Interview with Muttering Madzub(MM) , Pain(P) and Suffering(S)
Hello P I see that since MM's knee has been injured you have become a very dominant influence for MM.
That is correct MM. The torn ACL has released me like a vengeance on MM's psyche. Even with suppressing medication, I have brought MM a punctuated awareness of his injury and how the injury brings another dimension to life. I have reminded MM that I have relevant lessons to share. I am teaching MM awareness of his actions, his demeanor, his gratitude and how he physically lives in his body.
I just wanted to interject that I have imposed myself as a narcissistic bastard to remind MM of how careless, how un-mindful, and how difficult the whole injury is for MM. I have increased MM's pain exponentially by focusing on how his pain is affecting his life, his loved ones, his coworkers and I have made it all about me and his self.
I have noticed the increased desire to go unconscious in all of this drama and trauma. The desire to get lost in suffering's scenarios is quite enticing. I have had so many excuses to space out in front of the TV and not play music, write, draw or meditate. Not just because of my pain and trying to guard my injury, but because of my attention to my suffering. I have noticed that all my issues, personality/prison-ality -- ego have magnified and I just want to go numb. All the guilt and regret of not doing my practices, not being as spiritual as I think I am or should be, has exhausted me more than the pain. The pain is only punctuated in acuity by my attention to suffering and my self-centered dream.
S interrupts again:
Oh yes, I have made a great impression of myself on MM. I have certainly distracted him from life. The compounding of pain and mental anxiety has been supremely effective a great deal of the time. He does become lucid and notices my antics, but I keep niggling and I have been relatively successful. The self-centered dream (SCD) is very much in place. Misery loves company and I enjoy sharing my misery with MM.
Yes, suffering is many times associated with me, but actually it is a misperception. All pain does is let a person know that attention is required for certain situation. Attention to pain is not suffering. Attention to pain is attending to pain and the source of the pain. Suffering is identifying with the pain, personalizing the pain and focusing away from pain, making the pain all about "me? thus inflicting and compounding suffering exponentially.
I definitely see the effects of suffering to unconsciously eat empty foods --candy, carbs, larger portions, comfort foods--to "derive comfort" from pain or calm suffering? WTF is that about!
All I see is that this behavior does nothing more to increase suffering and focus my SCD on myself. The dream feeds the suffering and the suffering feeds the SCD. Yet the rational explanation and critique of all suffering doesn't lessen, change or bring relief from the pain or the suffering. Perhaps the clinical observation is just another part of the SCD. I think when I personalize and attach my self to the situation and make it all about me, it becomes self-centered. When I just observe the behavior apart from self and it's preoccupation with suffering, I don't suffer.
I am also aware at how civil suffering seems to be. The increased agitation is not as apparent in its outward demeanor or its inner delivery. The slow increase of suffering to stun and distract from life is insidious. The feelings and judgments that seem so logical and understandable, are the most difficult to stay un-mingled and objective. The more the suffering increases, the easier it becomes to justify and identify with its machinations.
Oh yes! I live to bombard you with bullshit that is so convincing that you are mired in the mental and physical morass of my machinations. I can paralyze you to forget about everything else. I love the attention that you give to me. I love to wear the trappings of your thoughts and actions to show everyone how prominent and central I am to your-self. I am your own personal paparazzi!
Suffering has certainly compounded things for MM. I have brought an opportunity to bring acuity and focus in to relieve his suffering. It is suffering that has distracted MM from life and suffering that has inflicted painful suffering into MM's psyche and body. I have the solution for suffering, that to pay attention to life as it is in all its pain or pleasure is the only relief from suffering. Pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional.
I see the value of pain every time I open my eyes and my heart. I see the needless suffering to which I am attached. The pain is manageable, the suffering becomes unmanageable when I am holding on to the SCD and self-centered thoughts. I am humbled by the grace that life has shown me "being just this moment compassion's way".
I feel compassion for suffering beings when I am not lost in my SCD. Lucidity comes moment by moment from compassion. Pain is a part of my life right now. Suffering is optional.
Interviewer: Thank you Muttering Madzub, Pain and Suffering for sharing with me. We will speak again soon.
Maa-asaba mim museebatin illa bi-izni'Llah;
Wa man yu'min bi'Llahi yahdi qalbah;
Wa Allahu bikulli shay-in AAaleem.
- The Quran, 64:11
No affliction befalls except by the Permission of God;
And guided are the hearts (qalb) that have true conviction (iman) to Divine, And God is Cognizant of all things.